Holy Oceans of Bacon
by Revan's split personality
Summary: what happens in the dreams of an insane exdark lord of the sith? needless to say, i'm not quite sure. hopefully, it's nothing like what's in this story. plenty of bacon and insanity.


As you can probably tell, i get REALLY bored sometimes. That's when i come up with crap like this, mostly to make myself laugh. But, i suppose that if i can bring other people joy from my idiotic writings, it's all worth wasting my time for. Erm...as a disclaimer, let's be completely safe and say that i just don't own anything. Geez, i barely own myself...

And, the standard plea: PLEASE LEAVE REVIEWS! i don't want my life to be empty and reviewless (is that even a word?)...whether it's good or bad, i have nothing to do, so rest assured i shall see your reviews, whether they be good or bad.

...pleeeease?

* * *

A Short Story of Some Sort

The stars swam in the sky, leaving little trails of light behind them. Revan looked up at them with wonder.

"What is it, where the stars themselves leave tails as though to show the rest of the universe their own trail in life? Why do they move around in restlessness in the first place?"

One star, by the name of Sporky, flew down and landed on her shoulder.

" AUGH! You're BURNING ME!" Revan flinched convulsively as the star cackled maniacally, an evil little smile on it's face. A moment of anagnorisis descended upon Revan's consciousness, causing her to gasp. " You…you're MALAK!" The star laughed in return, it's metal jaw slightly distorted because of the heat.

" Yes, Revan…and I shall torture you in ways you have never conceived possible!" The Malak star pulled a pie out of a purple silk top hat. " OPEN WIDE!"

" NOO!" With a most wretched scream of despair, Revan averted her face, blocking out the horrible calories from her sight. " You foul, evil ball of burning gas that is somehow in the shape of a cliché star! I won't be tempted! I won't fall to the pie side of the Force! NEVER!"

Malak chortled. " Is this better?"

Revan, still quite suspicious, slowly brought her gaze to her former apprentice, who had taken the form of a flying piece of bacon. Her brows furrowed. " Not really. I'll take what I can get, though." Suddenly, all the other stars fell out of the sky in the form of bacon strips, all burnt to perfection; not too charred, but yet, still crispy enough. Squealing in horror, Revan covered her eyes with her hands. " THE GREASE BURNS MINE EYES!" Malak laughed maliciously.

" And now…you will feel the fury of the Pork side of the FORCE! BWAK-BWA BWA BWAAAAK!" Malak continued to squawk as the hordes of bacon tackled Revan (most unsuccessfully, I might add), getting her robes and skin all gross and greasy.

" SOAP! I NEED SOAP!" Suddenly, Vandar rose up out of his grave, carrying with him in a most solemn manner a bar of the purest, most moisturizing soap one could ever dream of buying. Revan, gasping with the effort she made to fend off the bacon barrage (her Force powers didn't seem to be functioning within established parameters), looked pleadingly at Vandar.

" Please! Master Vandar! I must use that soap!"

Vandar, to Revan's horror, began to laugh with the exact same voice as the flying Malak pig and grew to be about ten feet taller than Revan. He grinned evilly and held the bar of soap up just out of Revan's reach. " If you want the soap, traitor, you can work for it!" He added, with a cackle, " It doesn't matter, betrayer! You'll never be clean! Your hands will never be clean!"

A deep dread welled up within Revan as she looked at her hands, which were covered in blood. The bacon had multiplied and was now coming in and beating her like the waves of some weird, perverted bacon ocean. Malak giggled giddily.

" You'll never make it to low tide! HAHAHAHAHA BAWK!" Malak flew off, but not before sticking the giant, soap-wielding Vandar in the eye with his curly little tail.

" MINE EYE!" Vandar cried out in surprise and pain, a tear of blood running down his face. Revan watched in abject fear as the drop fell right onto her, coating her in it. Coughing and sputtering, she fought to stay above the bacon.

" VANDAR! HELP ME!" She was completely ignored by the giant, green, hairy Jedi Master, who seemed far more concerned with his own eye. She was starting to choke on the bacon, and Vandar's blood had a funny smell to it and was starting to gather porcupines for some reason. Grumbling and cursing, Vandar dropped the bar of soap and trudged his way through the sea of bacon. Revan screamed and covered her face with her arms as the soap got closer and closer until-

" Revan!"

" AUGH!" She woke with a start and sat straight up in bed, her arms instinctively flying up to protect her head from the huge bar of soap. When it didn't smush her, she lowered her arms slowly to look around…there was no flying pig…no huge Vandar…no bacon ocean…she quickly looked at her hands. They were completely clean. Taking a deep breath, she blinked hard at Carth, who looked at her with nothing but confusion and concern.

" Were you having another nightmare? You said something about bacon…and…soap."

Revan shook her head slowly. " It's a long, retarded story. That's the last time I'm ever going to have pepperoni pizza and chocolate ice cream and pickles before bed." Pushing some stray strands of hair out of her face, she rubbed her face with her hands and recomposed herself. " Mission cooking breakfast today?" Carth nodded. " What is it?"

He could hardly cover his smirk. " Bacon."

Mission flinched as a piercing scream wracked the whole Ebon Hawk, followed by the sound of a loud smack. She shook her head. " I wonder what Carth did this time…" She sighed as she continued to cook the bacon. " And I thought Carth said he hated bacon…I wonder why he'd ask for me to cook it. Oh well."

Needless to say, some things are best left unsaid.


End file.
